The Secret To Becoming A SUPERMOM- DROP THE MOM GUILT!

Curious about how to do it all? 

Work… take care of kids… maybe even have fun with them…  take care of the house… feed your family healthy food… take time for yourself…have time and energy for your partner… Well, I’ve got the secret answer for you… ASK FOR HELP, DELEGATE, HAVE TOUGH CONVERSATIONS, DECLARE YOUR NEEDS AND LOOK AFTER THEM. 

For some reason as women, we have a deep-rooted belief that we have to do it all and be it all to everyone, and that asking for help is a sign of failure. The fact is that the only place this is going to get you is to burnout city, and trust me no one wants to be there because at that point it’s pretty darn near impossible to be anything to anyone. 

There is an ingrained belief in women that makes it very hard for us to ask for help without feeling guilt of some sort. We could ask friends for help but feel guilty because they have their own thing going on. We could ask grandma and grandpa to help out but we don’t want to do that too often for fear of being a burden. We could take the leap and pay a babysitter to help but then we feel guilty because we aren’t the ones spending that time with our kids. We could ask our husbands to help out more but we find an issue with that too… Maybe they offer for us to go out for a night with our girlfriends but we start to worry that they won’t be able to put the kids to bed properly without our help, or maybe start to get anxious about missing out on time as a whole family. What is this?! 

Let me tell you this was me! And the whole “mom guilt” thing is still something that I constantly am mindful of and continue to work through because - guess what - getting help benefits the WHOLE family, not just you mama. 

If we want help we need to ask for it! We have to stop expecting that others can read our minds because we will be disappointed with the outcome. Sometimes it can take time to build up trust with the people watching our kids so that we are actually able to enjoy our time away and not just be filled with worry. Take baby steps if this is an issue for you, leave for an hour at a time and build up that trust muscle. If there are certain details that are really important to you make sure you outline these for whoever is caring for your kids.  On the other hand it is important to learn to be okay when things aren’t done the way you are used to doing them, other people have other ways to do things and as long as the kids are happy and safe don’t sweat the details. It can take time and patience to learn to let go of the details but you will feel much more free if you are able to do this. 

Getting help can allow you to be a little less tired and take some time for yourself which is good for your family because if your cup is full you are much better able to take care of the rest of them. Our families, our kids, and our relationships feed off of our energy and if we are exhausted and miserable who is really benefiting- NO ONE! You cannot be everything to everyone if you are not getting your needs met. It is okay to hire a babysitter so that you can go for a walk on your own, go for a massage, go to the grocery store alone, or just to go sit in your bed and have some quiet time, or go for lunch or dinner with a friend. Whatever it is that fills up your cup, I promise it will benefit the whole entire family. 

Babysitting expenses can add up but there are options - cutting down on other areas that you spend money, asking for help in different ways through grandparents or other friends or family members, sharing a babysitter or nanny with another family, or hiring a neighbourhood kid to come to play with your kids while you are home so that you can cook dinner in peace, as this is often a cheaper route and a win-win for everyone!

I am far from a perfect mother (does this really exist?) but I do believe that when I am taking care of myself and getting help, I am the mother my kids need me to be, and I am a mother that I can be proud of.

Getting help can look different for different people, that could mean help with taking care of the kids, it could be help with cleaning the house, doing laundry, or prepping food. Just imagine if you had someone help you once per week with some household things and food prepping - how much of a difference could make in your week? Or getting help once a week so that you could go out for a walk or do something that filled up your cup, or for just 2 hours so that you and your partner could run out to the coffee shop and catch up or go for a walk together. These things can make such a huge difference in your overall well-being. It does not make you a bad mom to want time away from your kids, Your whole family is better for it so take the damn break!

The other thing I want you to imagine is what kind of example you are setting for your kids if you don’t take time to take care of your needs. What if you changed your perspective on self-care? I assume you don’t want your kids to grow up putting their needs last and not taking care of themselves, so mirror this for them, and show them how important it is to take care of themselves. If they see you prioritizing your relationship with your partner and going on dates every so often this will teach them to value that in their future relationships, if you take time to take care of yourself or just take a break to reset this will teach them that also. If you take the time and energy to prepare healthy foods this will also teach them that - and this may or may not require you to have some help around the house! 

I often talk to patients about considering finding someone to help out their family even if it is for a few hours a week! It's worth it, you're worth it, your whole family is worth it. The women who look like they are doing it all, I promise you they are women who are good at asking for help and delegating tasks! 

Now that you know the secret, what will you do with it?!